Thirty five & a half
Nothing makes you over think more than being an over thinking thirty something who is nearing the 40 side of your 30's. How did that happen? I'm still reeling over being 30, how am I suddenly 35 (and a half)?
So here I am, 35 and a half, writing the first post of a blog I started precisely 5 and a half years ago. Not intended as a self pity rant (although it does sound remarkably like that so far). This is more of a diary, getting out on (virtual) paper what's going on in the mind of an over thinking thirty something.
Pretty much every person I went to school with are now married with kids, some even have teenage kids. Are they classed as kids once they're teenage? This sweeping statement is not based on any research or fact, I'm purely going off the endless feed of snot nosed photos appearing daily on Facebook, only to be reposted the following year reminding us how cute their sprogs were just a year ago. In a lot of cases they weren't cute then, and they're not now. Sorry.
Does that make me sound bitter?
I'm actually not bitter, how can I be? I'm not baron (I don't think), I just haven't had kids yet. I'm sure I'll be equally as annoying and upload inappropriate dirty nappy pictures with the best of them. But for now all I can do is watch and worry about how I haven't done the same... yet.
Don't get me wrong I have a nice life, I have a cute dog, a loving fiancé (please can someone invent a new word for that, I can barely type it without cringing). I live in an awesome place and have great friends. What I also have is a self destructive addiction to comparing my life to the fictional online lives of others.
I'm an over thinker and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't tell you how many times my mothers said to me 'your problem is you think too much', yes mum, yes it is. So as a true OT (I can't be expected to type that every time can I?) I wonder if it's a generational thing? Are all the thirty something currently on the planet over thinkers? This would of course mean it's not my fault, it's society's fault. Bloody society, ruining it for us TS's (this is just being lazy isn't it).
Did we have it too easy? After all, our baby boom parents had a shit start, war babies with ration books and the cane. How are they so care free?? Drugs? I new it!
Today I am mostly over thinking about the massive Big Ben style clock that's ringing in my 'not in the slightest bit broody' ears. Can you hear it? It's pretty loud? I always thought it was tinnitus but no, it's my biological clock telling me my eggs are drying up. It gives off an extra loud dong when my mum calls to tell me she's crocheted me a baby blanket, yes she actually did that.
Since my mid 20's I've been assured that it just kicks in. One day you wake up and you're broody. I did wake up this morning thinking about eggs, it was the boiled kind served with soldiers though. Finally after years of trying I know how to cook the perfect one; egg straight into boiling water for 5 mins, perfect every time.
It's not that I'm void of love, I love animals and baby animals have to be the cutest things known to man, but baby people? Meh. So what if it never kicks in? What if I never feel broody? I may have to resort to plan B; dog hoarding. I think I'd be good at that, I'd take in all the ugly strays that no one else wants and live in a piss ridden trailer. That's ambition for you.
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| Camberley Kate c/o BBC |
Maybe, rather than relying on my inner hen starting to cluck, I have to make an actual grown up decision, with conviction, to have a baby. It's the conviction part I struggle with, 2 tattoos have taught me this, and yes, I did it twice to make absolute sure.
What if I'm crap at it? What if the kid doesn't like me? What if I drop it? What if I forget it in a supermarket? What if it's horribly ugly? What if it grows up to be an over thinker?? All valid and rational questions aren't they?
I can over think about this all I like, the clock is still ticking, my eggs are still drying and society (and my mum) are still piling on the pressure, bloody society. So until tomorrow I will endeavour to overthink about something else, like what's for dinner.
